The Blarg Blog archives 
Sunday, October 05, 2003 hey to everybody that's still be checking up on this blog. I've moved to LiveJournal @ http://www.livejournal.com/users/theghostgirl/ i hope to see you there. posted by Jessica 6:56 PM Friday, August 08, 2003 so, i think tonight went well. Mom and spencer were in spencer's room and i came in and sat on his waterbed beside my mom while Spencer sat in his computer chair. We were talking, and after a while he did something that made me walk out of the room, but before i left, i made sure to take my glass. He was drinking out of it at the time, but it's mine.The glas has a grid on it that's three squares high and the boxes are all filled with different fruits and vegetables, And one of the pears is smeared. I love it. As i closed the door my tears started to fall. Everything really has been stressfull lately. A while before my parents got divorced we went to the San Diego County Fair. And you know how at fairs there's always those little game booths where you win stuffed animals and stuff like that? There was one where you threw dimes onto the tops of glasses and ashtrays to win them. At that game, Me, my dad, my mom and spencer all aimed for this one type of glass that had cherries and a sort of checkerboard pattern on them. I don't think i won a single one of the cherry glasses. I kept winning ashtrays and even a cute elephant sippy cup that i gave to a liitle kid after i won it. We ended up giving away everything that wasn't those charry glasses, except my glass. I got to keep it. I love that smeared pear. I think it was that Christmas that my parents got divorced, the day after that christmas that they told me. Anyhow, i walked out of the room and sat on the couch in the living room hugging the glass (oh, and i emtied it out with a paper towel too) I kept thinking about what it would signify if the glass broke and sliced up my arms. I like knowing the symbolism behind my actions. I think it would mean that the things that made me happy before are messed up. messed up enough to hurt me. And maybe i'm messed up. But i set down the glass on the table and just stared, thinking about everything that's been going on. Mom and me started talking about where we're going to go live now and what school i'm going to. She started going on about how she would have to call up all these different schools just to transfer me to the one she wants me to go too. I said i didn't mind as long as one of them had a good art program. After that Joel, moms latest thing, called up and mom told him that she was going to stay and hang out with me and spencer tonight. Evidently, Joel said something about not wanting a commitment when they had already talked about that and said it was ok before. Anyhow, she came back to the couch and was all teary eyed. We talked about it and such. In the end she got a glass of wine and i read to her out of some comics we had stacked on the table where my glass was setting. She got a second glass later. I followed her into theback room where her bed and her tv is. she trned it on to sci-fi while i flipped through my sketchpad. I mentioned that she had left some of her diet-low-carb drinks in the car, and she asked me to go get them. I don't like that. she won't do anything if she's allready doing something else. Even if it's just watching tv, or sitting around. That is what she plans on doing and she won't be having any of these 'interruption' things. But i went and got them anyway, and put them in the fridge. A little while after i came back, she asked me to go look for her eyes drops that she thought were on the kitchen table. It's those little things that just kill me, so i said no. She went into this big lecture about how i never do anything for her at all. All the while monsters and people screaming from the TV. She ended the whole thing by hissing that i hadn't even got her a card for her birthday. For her birthday, i had decided to give her the gift of my time, and we could go anywhere she wanted to go. She choose to go and get our nails done (something i would never do by the way, i can do my nails fine by myself) anyhow, when she said that i didn't even make her a card, that really broke me, it really did. I was laying in front of the TV and kept turning it off, hoping she would start talking to me normally, or maybe come up and hug me. Parent are supposed to hug you when you're sad, arn't they? She just kept turning the TV back on to that stupid monster movie. well, i eventually got up and went in my room untill spencer went by and started rifling around in the kitchen. I walked in as he was walking out, carrying one of moms diet-low carb-shit drinks and a paper bag that could have only had alchohol in it. i slapped him on the back as he walked into his room. i walked back into my moms room, but i couldn't see her, it was too dark. I say that i'm like Vanilla ice cream. off-white with dark spots that show my true flavor. i melt easily but am stern with a biting cold and the taste is sweet but zings at the back of the tongue. All i did after that was sit on the kitchen floor (the spot where Mystery-our dog-died a couple weeks ago) and stare at the things, things that wern't busy anymore. The Cabinets and the walls and the oven with the built-in clock that's stuck at 10:02. I eventually got up and looked into the pantry. i had a mind to drink some Vodka, because i like clear things. It seems they arn't hiding anything. But it wasn't there and i remember mom used to drink vodka and orange juice, so it didn't sound so appealing. I looked around, and i saw the Vanilla extract. i seemed perfect symbolism. I poured some in the cap, and drank it. If you have never drank that stuff, boy is it nasty at first. I went and grabed a soda and ran to the bathroom. But by the time i got to the bathroom, it didn't taste that bad anymore, so i put the soda in the fridge. there's more, but i won't talk about it, at least not now. Yeah, i honestly think tonight went well. posted by Jessica 3:53 AM Monday, August 04, 2003 hey, i'm typing now, but i'm in an odd mood. i guess i'll write a book or something. if you know me, or if you don't, talk to me, i feel like talking. blue is my favorite color. i don't know any of you. posted by Jessica 4:17 AM Tuesday, July 22, 2003 did you ever think that maybe i stopped talking because i have too much too say? posted by Jessica 2:26 AM Wednesday, July 09, 2003 hey everybody, I know i've been neglecting my blog a bit lately, but i have my reasons and my non-reasons. I'll try to make up for it with a nice looooong post. San Diego Comic Con is in a week or two and hopefully i'll be going. ooooo the possibilites. (spelling?) oh well. I hope i get to see a Jhonen Vasquez as well as a few of the people from the online comic world. Pants Press? hehe. I was thinking of asking dad if a could bring a friend, i don't know who i'd bring though. I think i only have two real friends. Alex and Nicole. Everybody else is conditional, or it just doesn't work. Nicole would be my first choice, but she has a leg injury and would be a pain in the ass because of it (i'm so nice arn't i?) and with alex, i wouldn't want him to even have the slightest idea that it would be a date. I sure know i don't want to go through that again the way i did with Scott. Which brings me to love and it's consequences. I love Kris. Ok, since a couple of you havn't heard the play-by-play i'll dish it out now. It had to be alot more than a year ago now, that I first met Kris. he was under an alias at bolt.com and i often talked with him. i think I always had some sort of feelings for him... Then he had a girlfriend that he visited at her house (and after events i was told,decent ones--that may or may not be true) the girls parents didn't want him to hang around anymore, and the daughter complied with their wishes. It was a while before this that i told Kris of a feeling that i had for him. Not love or like or anything like that, just a feeling. Like an intuition almost. But it was said differently. ... We talked more and after time, he told me that he loved me, and it scared me. In the past, people had decieved me with their 'versions' of love. But he gave me time, and i loved him for it, and I really did love him then--as i do now. ... I held you tonight, Dear/ too bad that boy didn't know/ i wasn't holding him And the talks continued, and i was invited to the (other) high school's prom by one of my friends, Scott. I went as friends with him, but I think that we both had false hopes for the evening. His for something that was crushed by my wish that couldn't come true. I danced once, my feet moving slowly side to side, my head buried in his shoulder as his watched the crowd, smiling to one of his frinds that was giving him a thumbs-up. it was raining that night.I talked briefly with Rachael outside, walking in the rain, eating french bread. ... I felt bad for what happened at the dance, but everything was going ok, I got Kris to open up and did so in return. We made plans. ... but he was using me to hide from life, and i probably was doing the same. I broke it off with him to let him see that there's more that just one level too the world. I think we both needed to live life, without being crazy, or crunchy. but it is always good to taste good in milk (inside thing.) ... Throughout this he had a couple absenses from my life, but he always came back. He's not coming back this time. I sent him an e-mail because he never seemed to be online anymore, or maybe it was because i was avoiding the situation. I havn't heard from him since. ... I could have been used, but he never asked anything sexual from me. I could have been decieved, but i'd never felt so warm. ... I love him. Even though i pushed him away, with good reason. ... some people might want to forget something like this ...but i'll remember. I don't feel like writing much more right now, and i'm pretty sure you're tired of reading it anyhow. sanctuary as my mind. see you tomorrow, or the next day. posted by Jessica 12:07 AM Saturday, June 21, 2003 Love. It's a beautiful thing for all the pain it causes. But then...no, I was right the first time. *smiles* Despite the fact, I can say that he always made me smile. 
Ha. I guess so. posted by Jessica 3:02 AM Monday, June 16, 2003 quiz gah, i did post before, and it was all full of self-understanding and interesting stuff, but blogger(not me!) messed up and it didn't post. so blarg. now i'm just going to post some online test results.  Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You? brought to you by Quizilla i don't really want to be that...but i sorta am i guess. my second result (if i changed the last awnser) said: "you are a goddess, pure and simple, you are the epitome of grace, beauty and strength. all women want to be you, all men yearn for you." and that's really off--so maybe neither of them works. maybe i'm more like this one: 
Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You? brought to you by Quizilla ok, you conclude youselfs,which am I? I'm ganna go surf the web some more or read my book or somethin'. posted by Jessica 12:57 AM Saturday, June 14, 2003 *sigh* Tonight I woke up at around midnight. I watched a movie that I identified and cried with (something uncommon with me) then I walked outside and sat under a moon that seemed as if it was trying to outshine the sun. The whole backyard was lit in a wonderfull night light. Hello Summer, i'm glad you're here. posted by Jessica 2:47 AM Friday, June 13, 2003 ok... I havnt been around because it's the last week of school and i had some stuff to catch up on. i did post earlier, but me and blogger messed up so it didn't get posted. so--after tomorrow school ends for the summer. I'm not sure if i've failed this grade or not, but it's still such a horrible feeling. I think everyone wants to be remembered, somehow, for being great or horrible and for making the best pie in town. So this year has ended (or is about too) and chances are, i won't be seeing most of the people iv'e met this year again. All in all since i'm moving a few towns over. And it's incredible that such a short distance can be such a distance. Theres always a person you don't want to say goodbye too, you know, the one that doesn't show up the last day. So, even if you wanted to, you couldn't. I have a small desire to be that person, to not tie myself as much as i do. And i know i'm exaggerating here, because if i could, i wouldn't want to be tied down. It's all a matter of the curent situation and in which direction i'm shoved. i'm considering letting it filter to rachael that i'm in Washington, when i'm really in San Diego. She was allways the rumor queen anyhow, it'd be nice to set her with some wrong information, and let her believe it, she's done the same to me many times over, over the years. Oh well, i won't do it on purpose, i'll just let what gets to her get to her. Hopefully tomorrow at school will be good. Sanity (or lack thereof) report well, we bought a bag of marshmallows and me and my brother were making microwave smores(mine without the chocolate-don't like it.) While pulling the marshmallows out of the bag i picked out a single one and two stuck together. I stuck the single one back in the bag to get matched up while i microwaved the other two so they could die together. now the sort-of-official thing:
whoo.. posted by Jessica 12:46 AM Saturday, May 31, 2003 mmmm... *drool*
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