The Blarg Blog

2003-10-05T18:56:00.000-07:00

hey to everybody that's still be checking up on this blog.
I've moved to LiveJournal @ http://www.livejournal.com/users/theghostgirl/

i hope to see you there.

2003-08-08T03:53:00.000-07:00

so, i think tonight went well.

Mom and spencer were in spencer's room and i came in and sat on his waterbed beside my mom while Spencer sat in his computer chair. We were talking, and after a while he did something that made me walk out of the room, but before i left, i made sure to take my glass. He was drinking out of it at the time, but it's mine.The glas has a grid on it that's three squares high and the boxes are all filled with different fruits and vegetables, And one of the pears is smeared. I love it.

As i closed the door my tears started to fall. Everything really has been stressfull lately.

A while before my parents got divorced we went to the San Diego County Fair. And you know how at fairs there's always those little game booths where you win stuffed animals and stuff like that? There was one where you threw dimes onto the tops of glasses and ashtrays to win them. At that game, Me, my dad, my mom and spencer all aimed for this one type of glass that had cherries and a sort of checkerboard pattern on them. I don't think i won a single one of the cherry glasses. I kept winning ashtrays and even a cute elephant sippy cup that i gave to a liitle kid after i won it. We ended up giving away everything that wasn't those charry glasses, except my glass. I got to keep it. I love that smeared pear. I think it was that Christmas that my parents got divorced, the day after that christmas that they told me.

Anyhow, i walked out of the room and sat on the couch in the living room hugging the glass (oh, and i emtied it out with a paper towel too) I kept thinking about what it would signify if the glass broke and sliced up my arms. I like knowing the symbolism behind my actions. I think it would mean that the things that made me happy before are messed up. messed up enough to hurt me. And maybe i'm messed up. But i set down the glass on the table and just stared, thinking about everything that's been going on.

Mom and me started talking about where we're going to go live now and what school i'm going to. She started going on about how she would have to call up all these different schools just to transfer me to the one she wants me to go too. I said i didn't mind as long as one of them had a good art program.

After that Joel, moms latest thing, called up and mom told him that she was going to stay and hang out with me and spencer tonight. Evidently, Joel said something about not wanting a commitment when they had already talked about that and said it was ok before. Anyhow, she came back to the couch and was all teary eyed. We talked about it and such. In the end she got a glass of wine and i read to her out of some comics we had stacked on the table where my glass was setting. She got a second glass later.

I followed her into theback room where her bed and her tv is. she trned it on to sci-fi while i flipped through my sketchpad. I mentioned that she had left some of her diet-low-carb drinks in the car, and she asked me to go get them. I don't like that. she won't do anything if she's allready doing something else. Even if it's just watching tv, or sitting around. That is what she plans on doing and she won't be having any of these 'interruption' things. But i went and got them anyway, and put them in the fridge. A little while after i came back, she asked me to go look for her eyes drops that she thought were on the kitchen table. It's those little things that just kill me, so i said no. She went into this big lecture about how i never do anything for her at all. All the while monsters and people screaming from the TV.

She ended the whole thing by hissing that i hadn't even got her a card for her birthday.
For her birthday, i had decided to give her the gift of my time, and we could go anywhere she wanted to go.
She choose to go and get our nails done (something i would never do by the way, i can do my nails fine by myself) anyhow, when she said that i didn't even make her a card, that really broke me, it really did. I was laying in front of the TV and kept turning it off, hoping she would start talking to me normally, or maybe come up and hug me. Parent are supposed to hug you when you're sad, arn't they? She just kept turning the TV back on to that stupid monster movie.

well, i eventually got up and went in my room untill spencer went by and started rifling around in the kitchen. I walked in as he was walking out, carrying one of moms diet-low carb-shit drinks and a paper bag that could have only had alchohol in it. i slapped him on the back as he walked into his room.

i walked back into my moms room, but i couldn't see her, it was too dark.

I say that i'm like Vanilla ice cream. off-white with dark spots that show my true flavor.
i melt easily but am stern with a biting cold
and the taste is sweet but zings at the back of the tongue.

All i did after that was sit on the kitchen floor (the spot where Mystery-our dog-died a couple weeks ago) and stare at the things, things that wern't busy anymore. The Cabinets and the walls and the oven with the built-in clock that's stuck at 10:02.

I eventually got up and looked into the pantry. i had a mind to drink some Vodka, because i like clear things. It seems they arn't hiding anything. But it wasn't there and i remember mom used to drink vodka and orange juice, so it didn't sound so appealing. I looked around, and i saw the Vanilla extract. i seemed perfect symbolism. I poured some in the cap, and drank it. If you have never drank that stuff, boy is it nasty at first. I went and grabed a soda and ran to the bathroom. But by the time i got to the bathroom, it didn't taste that bad anymore, so i put the soda in the fridge.

there's more, but i won't talk about it, at least not now.

Yeah, i honestly think tonight went well.

2003-08-04T04:17:00.000-07:00

hey, i'm typing now, but i'm in an odd mood.
i guess i'll write a book or something.
if you know me, or if you don't, talk to me, i feel like talking.

blue is my favorite color.

i don't know any of you.

2003-07-22T02:26:00.000-07:00

did you ever think that maybe i stopped talking because i have too much too say?

2003-07-09T00:07:00.000-07:00

hey everybody,
I know i've been neglecting my blog a bit lately, but i have my reasons and my non-reasons.
I'll try to make up for it with a nice looooong post.

San Diego Comic Con is in a week or two and hopefully i'll be going. ooooo the possibilites. (spelling?) oh well. I hope i get to see a Jhonen Vasquez as well as a few of the people from the online comic world. Pants Press? hehe. I was thinking of asking dad if a could bring a friend, i don't know who i'd bring though.

I think i only have two real friends. Alex and Nicole. Everybody else is conditional, or it just doesn't work. Nicole would be my first choice, but she has a leg injury and would be a pain in the ass because of it (i'm so nice arn't i?) and with alex, i wouldn't want him to even have the slightest idea that it would be a date. I sure know i don't want to go through that again the way i did with Scott.

Which brings me to love and it's consequences.
I love Kris.
Ok, since a couple of you havn't heard the play-by-play i'll dish it out now.
It had to be alot more than a year ago now, that I first met Kris. he was under an alias at bolt.com and i often talked with him. i think I always had some sort of feelings for him... Then he had a girlfriend that he visited at her house (and after events i was told,decent ones--that may or may not be true) the girls parents didn't want him to hang around anymore, and the daughter complied with their wishes. It was a while before this that i told Kris of a feeling that i had for him. Not love or like or anything like that, just a feeling. Like an intuition almost. But it was said differently.
...
We talked more and after time, he told me that he loved me, and it scared me. In the past, people had decieved me with their 'versions' of love. But he gave me time, and i loved him for it, and I really did love him then--as i do now.
...
I held you tonight, Dear/ too bad that boy didn't know/ i wasn't holding him
And the talks continued, and i was invited to the (other) high school's prom by one of my friends, Scott.
I went as friends with him, but I think that we both had false hopes for the evening. His for something that was crushed by my wish that couldn't come true. I danced once, my feet moving slowly side to side, my head buried in his shoulder as his watched the crowd, smiling to one of his frinds that was giving him a thumbs-up.
it was raining that night.I talked briefly with Rachael outside, walking in the rain, eating french bread.
...
I felt bad for what happened at the dance, but everything was going ok, I got Kris to open up and did so in return. We made plans.
...
but he was using me to hide from life, and i probably was doing the same. I broke it off with him to let him see that there's more that just one level too the world. I think we both needed to live life, without being crazy, or crunchy. but it is always good to taste good in milk (inside thing.)
...
Throughout this he had a couple absenses from my life, but he always came back. He's not coming back this time. I sent him an e-mail because he never seemed to be online anymore, or maybe it was because i was avoiding the situation. I havn't heard from him since.
...
I could have been used, but he never asked anything sexual from me. I could have been decieved, but i'd never felt so warm.
...
I love him. Even though i pushed him away, with good reason.
...
some people might want to forget something like this ...but i'll remember.

I don't feel like writing much more right now, and i'm pretty sure you're tired of reading it anyhow.
sanctuary as my mind.
see you tomorrow, or the next day.

2003-06-21T03:02:00.000-07:00

Love.

It's a beautiful thing for all the pain it causes.
But then...no, I was right the first time.

*smiles*

Despite the fact, I can say that he always made me smile.

Ha. I guess so.

2003-06-16T00:57:00.000-07:00

quiz

gah, i did post before, and it was all full of self-understanding and interesting stuff, but blogger(not me!) messed up and it didn't post. so blarg.
now i'm just going to post some online test results.

Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

i don't really want to be that...but i sorta am i guess.

my second result (if i changed the last awnser) said:
"you are a goddess, pure and simple,
you are the epitome of grace, beauty and strength.
all women want to be you,
all men yearn for you."

and that's really off--so maybe neither of them works.

maybe i'm more like this one:

Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

ok, you conclude youselfs,which am I? I'm ganna go surf the web some more or read my book or somethin'.

2003-06-14T02:47:00.000-07:00

*sigh*

Tonight I woke up at around midnight.
I watched a movie that I identified and cried with (something uncommon with me)
then I walked outside and sat under a moon that seemed as if it was trying to outshine the sun.
The whole backyard was lit in a wonderfull night light.
Hello Summer, i'm glad you're here.

2003-06-13T00:46:00.000-07:00

ok...

I havnt been around because it's the last week of school and i had some stuff to catch up on.
i did post earlier, but me and blogger messed up so it didn't get posted.

so--after tomorrow school ends for the summer. I'm not sure if i've failed this grade or not, but it's still such a horrible feeling.
I think everyone wants to be remembered, somehow, for being great or horrible and for making the best pie in town. So this year has ended (or is about too) and chances are, i won't be seeing most of the people iv'e met this year again. All in all since i'm moving a few towns over. And it's incredible that such a short distance can be such a distance.

Theres always a person you don't want to say goodbye too, you know, the one that doesn't show up the last day. So, even if you wanted to, you couldn't. I have a small desire to be that person, to not tie myself as much as i do. And i know i'm exaggerating here, because if i could, i wouldn't want to be tied down. It's all a matter of the curent situation and in which direction i'm shoved.

i'm considering letting it filter to rachael that i'm in Washington, when i'm really in San Diego. She was allways the rumor queen anyhow, it'd be nice to set her with some wrong information, and let her believe it, she's done the same to me many times over, over the years. Oh well, i won't do it on purpose, i'll just let what gets to her get to her.

Hopefully tomorrow at school will be good.

Sanity (or lack thereof) report

well, we bought a bag of marshmallows and me and my brother were making microwave smores(mine without the chocolate-don't like it.)
While pulling the marshmallows out of the bag i picked out a single one and two stuck together.
I stuck the single one back in the bag to get matched up while i microwaved the other two so they could die together.

now the sort-of-official thing:

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Very High
Schizoid:	Very High
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

whoo..

2003-05-31T00:53:00.000-07:00

mmmm...

*drool*

2003-05-29T15:32:00.000-07:00

Bailin' out the good citizen

On the way home from school today I noticed a bumpersticker on the back af a car/truck thing:
"my child was citizen of the month at 'King' Stalmon Bail Bonds"

I worry for the future of that child.

and havn't those stickers gotten a little out of hand?
It used to be that only the parents of smart kids got them--and they were from actual schools.
you know, the "my child was blahblahblah of the month at blahblahblah elementary" ones.

Then they started to give them to grandparents and all other imaginable relatives.
And where has this gotten us?

"my child was citizen of the month at 'King' Stalmon Bail Bonds"

2003-05-27T03:38:00.000-07:00

i can't sleep

maybe it's because of all that's going on. Stress.
Or maybe it's because i slept in yesterday,
but no matter the reason in all comes around to me sitting here typing doesn't it?
kind of a fate of sorts, but not at the same time. I could have set me alarm clock yesterday and gotten up early. Or would i have hit the button and slept in anyway, would the alarm even have gone off? And would it have even mattered.

but nevertheless, it seems choices are what makes up the core of ones life, the simple ones and the big ones each having their way.
at the moment, it feels as if i'm making all the wrong choices. If only i could lay out my options, point to the one that would lead where i wanted.
but i don't even know where i want to go like i used too.

I felt like murdering myself tonight, not suicide, murder. Precise, by surprise. And if not murder of my body i have succeded in slicing open my mind, a cold blade comming down on my thoughts,dreams, dissecting them so i can inspect the pieces with the mind i have left.

i'd have half a mind to do it too. Maybe its good that i'm not couragous.

i know nothing. i must be a genius? ha.

i'm the broken glass after the milk is spilt.
Do i matter more or less?

2003-05-27T00:34:00.000-07:00

ok, since you've all (you...few) have been waiting.

First:
I believe that the deal with Kristopher is finally over. After my phone call with him a while ago iv'e had very brief conversation and otherwise been very avoidant of him. Tonight i sent him an e-mail and got it all over with. I won't get this weight lifted off of me till he responds though.

Phew.

In the same vein, i'd like to present to you (because i'm so single and such), guys i happen to find cute,sexy,funny or interesting. whoo.
(in no particular order)

Voltaire- yeah...all around good there.
Nightcrawler-gatta love the blue skin, and the accent, and the ability to appear out of mid-air.
Trevor - a kid from school who iv'e found much more attractive since he's gotten a retainer. I think that makes me really weird. ok, moving on...
Dib- he's a paranormal freak, has neat hair, and tries to save the world. He's really paranoid, but rightfully so.
Zig Zag - mmmm, the crazyness. yes, i do find crazy attractive, except when it's the creepy kind of crazy. And that hair is great too.
Ryan Brinkerhoff- why? eh...i never got to know him like i wanted too.

So looking at this list--i figure my "type' is a paranoid freak with an accent, wild hair, and a thoughtfull side. That'll be easy to come by right? eh...

Second:
Spiders are invading my house and it's getting kinda out of hand.
One of 'em was watching me in the shower a few days ago and then scurried off when i saw him. And yesterday one crawled up next to me when i was lying on the couch. These being the creepiest incidents, i think i'll be fine for now...untill they get back at me by burrowing in through my ears and laying eggs in my brain.

Third:
School stuff! whoo. i. am. so. excited. to. go. back. to. school. (ack...sarcastic...cutting off..air...)
yeah, this weekend i worked on homework. just how i wanted to spend a weekend.

Fourth
mom wants to move to San Diego when we sell the house so she can be close to her friends and i can go to a creative and performing arts high school that's there.
i'm gratefull but i had hopes of moving farther away. I would be happy in Seattle, man i love the rain.
but then again, a arts school would be really good for me.
And anything would be better then painting rocks (what i'm doing now.) yeah...rocks.

goodnight for now,

2003-05-26T02:55:00.000-07:00

holy shit my life is weird...but also not; at the same time (elaboration later)

what happened to people commenting? huh? huh?

gah.

2003-05-24T04:15:00.000-07:00

excuse

I've been a whiny little bitch lately, my apologies.

2003-05-23T03:36:00.000-07:00

And so it goes...

Today, no..yesterday was a strange day.

(but lets start with last night)
I broke down crying about everything that has been going on lately, and i realize that it has effected me more that i say it has, more then i used to believe it all did.
I revert back to my spilt milk theory: i know that people out there worse off then me. In fact, I know i'm in a pretty good position, but the worst thing i know is what iv'e experienced myself. A child cries over spilt milk when it's the worst thing that's ever happened to them.
And so I walk into my mothers room late that night (to look at her or get consolation, or something...) she's gone. I remember she went on a date.
I go to bed.

(morning)
I stay home and sleep in late.

(evening)
i notice i'm getting fatter, then search through my clothes trying to find something to wear.
I throw a couple pair of pants in the wash and paint my nails all crappy-like.

(night)
mom mentions a craving for chocolate a million times.
Me and mother go to see the movie Down With Love (notorious chick flick)
we get there late and the staff is short-handed so it takes forever to get tickets and such. (and the ticket girl joking aroung with the guys in front of us didn't help)
during the movie the characters talk about how chocolate gives some of the same sensations as sex.
I am disgusted as mother eats a smelly hotdog during the movie.

(later that night)
we leave the movie and go to a 7-11 type thing.
I get a cherry slurpee and mom gets chocolate.
i am even more disgusted as she gulps down the chocolate.

(a little before now)
I spent a couple hours making a computer background.

(now)
typing.

2003-05-13T01:50:00.000-07:00

Falling

I hope that things are finally falling into place and i'll be able to get out of this town soon.
if you consider soon several months.

2003-05-09T03:05:00.000-07:00

Stealing things from other blogs day!

I cannot begin to describe all the things wrong with this.
David Hasslehoff.
ooga chooka.
stolen from:here
----------
I'm not even sure if this in an actual conversation:

"How do I get to handbags?"
"Oh, they're on the lower level, you can go downstairs right over there."
"I'm afraid of down escalators! You need to respect the fact that some people are afraid of down escalators!"
"I'm so sorry Ma'am... I didn't consider that because you took the up escalator to arrive here just now. Er... the elevators are around the corner if you'd prefer that."
"Don't you know that down escalators is how you get to *looks side to side, then whispers* Hell?"
--An elderly woman and a clerk at Macy's (stolen from: here)

um...last time i checked (because i do check these things!) down escalators don't lead to Hell, especially the ones in department stores.
after reading this I get an image in my head of the devil just hanging around in the handbag section looking reallly sad. He's sad that they downsized hell--now it's just a section of a department store. Um...yeah.
And wouldn't you think they they'd have stairs to hell? If you were eternaly damned they wouldn't really do you the favor of giving you a nice leisurly(sp) ride in, would they?

anyway, that conversation confused the hell outta me. heh.
----------

oh yes, i agree that this is the worst idea in the history of business.
i agree with the sentiments of this person completely (may 7, 2003 post)

also from her site (much the link central it is!) i found this story. It seems there is a caped crusader hangin' around England.
that makes me happy.

2003-05-08T01:02:00.000-07:00

Damn Blogger + Much Angst + Humor = Who Knows What?

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Low
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

hmmm, a lil' less crazy than last time........i'm still not sure if this is good or bad.

Oh yes, i havn't been to school since Tuesday. I was hoping that i could go the week without succumbing to the doomed legions of doomed doomy doomyness and other Invader Zim references. Also, i have a paper due tomorrow that I havn't finished (mind: finished?! you havn't even started that yet!) eh heh...and i'm not looking forward to school, to say the least.

Then, today, as I sat working on the beginning of my paper (mind: more like surfing the net and procrastinating...) i was being constantly annoyed by the sound of coughing outside my window. I crawled up along my bed (which is set up against the window) and looked out. At first I looked in the wrong direction, but then i saw my brother there lighten up some weed, ridin' the smoky dope train, and other euphanisms. As much as you might think, it didn't suprise me. I just sighed, and being the sweet innocent lil' girl i am, just hoped that he wouldn't get stupid enough to try different stuff. And the weird part about all of this is that my mother knows about it and doesn't do anything. She even walked in on him and his friends de-seeding and lighting up.

I guess it has to do with all the stress in the houshold lately, and Spencer (brother, if you've been listening) announced the he was going to move to Minnasota(sorry, i know i didn't spell it right, i'll fix it later) with his girlfriend Sarah.This is a big deal since we need the money that we get because he's staying in school. the minute he drops out our income drops, So, he'll spend the summer there, and then after we sell the house he'll move completely.

So, as all this was decided and the two of them (mom and spencer) walked out of the room talking about dinner plans, I sit there with my mouth hanging open. What's my say in all of this? And if I had a say, would i really have anything to say at all? I feel so utterly not in control of my life at the moment.

oh, one last thought: Blarg at Blogger because i typed out half of this post and then it deleted it. it was a whole lot better then, blame Blogger.
or me, you could blame me. I was the one who hit backspace and messed it all up.

Blarg, and goodnight
P.S.- for a good laugh, listen to "The Sexy Data Tango" or "Brains!" both by Voltaire.

2003-05-05T22:49:00.000-07:00

hey, i've got my new layout up. I still need to get the comment thingie back up, Squawk Box isn't setting up right.
whoo, isn't it pretty?
oh, by the way--picture used without permission, please don't kill me.

i need to get some sleep.

2003-05-05T00:07:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like...like your not supposed to be where you are, and at the same time know exactly who you are.
But, where you are and who you are don't fit together and they do fit together at the same time.

for the first time in a long time i feel like i know who I am.

and it's unsettling

2003-05-02T14:56:00.000-07:00

i'm messing with the blog at the moment.i got tired of the old layout and i'd messed up the original layout enough that it was getting pissy at me alot.

it will be new and improved in some time frame of which i cannot determine.

2003-05-01T18:05:00.000-07:00

ack, my archives are messing up.

does anybody know why it's nessacary to republish them all the time?

blarg

2003-05-01T18:02:00.000-07:00

Rachael Business

I had a short conversation with Rachael just a bit ago. We talked about such things as the e-mail she sent (down a couple posts) and apparently she hadn't gotten my reply.
I showed it to her, she avoided it. Then i asked her to take the Personality Disorder Test because it's neat. At first she refused but then eventually took it. She ended up being highly narcissistic and obsessive-compulsive, which creeps me out a bit, because she's actually like their descriptions. Anyhow, when i told her i thought it was like her she said:

" you cant guess, you dont even know me anymore, you dont know anymore about me then i know about you, and thats not saying much, i have changed a lot, you think you know me sooooo well, but if you did you would not be making these assumptions that you are making now. i have more friends then ive had in my entire life, and when i talk on the phone to you, i go back to the old rachael, the one everyone hates, so that youll be more compertable, though you dont seem to be making the same effort"
Right after that she logged off.

ok, first of all, i don't have any idea what she meant by compertable. comfortable? compatible?
and second-- making the same effort to what?
She's saying that she doesn't know me at all, and when she's on the phone with me she lies about who she really is. Oh, and she has new friends.
gosh, that's alot of effort.

I tried to call her to ask who the new her was, but her phone was busy, I bet that she thought i'd call.

Art Business

In much shorter news...

Yasmine didn't win the contest, some stoner kid who made a neat walking stick did. This makes me happy.

Scott's Blog

I set up a blog for Scott, i hope that he writes well.
here it is.

2003-05-01T00:31:00.000-07:00

Yay for Framed Poster

2003-04-29T23:18:00.000-07:00

Ok, now, the blogging commences.

I just got off a chat with Scott, although I don't agree with alot of things he says i can tell that he's trying to be my friend. I'm not sure if that's what i want right now though.
Company doesn't sound as good as it used to.

flashback to earlier (last Wednesday) I was in art class with the new teacher. And i have decided that i like her as a person. We were talking in a group of people and I mentioned that my parents were divorced. She went on to explain how her and her husband had stayed together for their children, but now they were thinking about divorce. I told her about all the paperwork involved and such. I also lied and said it had been better after the divorce for me and my brother and the rest of the family. I guess that I respect her now, at least a little bit.

A couple days ago (the banging head on desk post) I couldn't find the sheet to an important homework assignment i had to do. I finally gave up when i had no time left to do it. And now, a few days later, i find the paper lying right next to my computer. Damn the irony.

My entire household has a really bad cough, i just hope that i'm not getting it. And no, it's not freakin SARS. If it was, Spencer(my brother) would probably be dead by now.

Ah, the art show. I didn't get my stuff in on time so all i get is a little comment sheet for each one. Fuck that. Sure, feedback is good, but i want to see if I can win with my talent. But i most likely wouldn't have because Yasmine's art and it was the best there (trust me, i'm not putting myself down or anything, i'm just stating facts.) I need to practice more. And finish that drawing of Venom for Billy Beroth. He said he was going to pay me for it. Eh, a couple bucks, but cool nonetheless.

2003-04-28T01:02:00.000-07:00

ok, i'll explain the post below a little later, but for now...

STAR testings are tomorrow and i need to sleep or i will explode.

2003-04-26T23:45:00.000-07:00

gah, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid,stupid.
*bangs head on desk repeatedly*

2003-04-23T00:58:00.000-07:00

I got an e-mail from Rachael today ( off and on friend since fifth grade) it says as follows:
------------------------
what the hell did you say to scott? he came to school all depressed, saying you were being evil to him, what the hell? he really likes you jess, you alwayz used to complain about people not liking you, but youve had him wrapped around you little finger since 8th. you attractive and nice, why the hell wouldnt he like you? i have no idea. i dont care if you dont like him or if you cant stand him, you should at least be nice, or even decent. in other words DONT BE A BITCH FOR NO REASON.

if you think its kreepy, just think> at least hes not lookin you up in the phonebook and stalkin you night and day< :-)

Love,
Rachael
(the above has been left un-spell checked for your blogging pleasure)
---------------------------------------

i like the "love, Rachael" at the end. like she can call me a bitch and then add a lil' lovin at the end to spice it up.
Can't you people think up better ways of saying bye? That ending just doesn't fit in at all.

--------------------------------------

My Reply:

Hey Rachael, it's nice to know you have some faith in me (note the dripping sarcasm.)

Anywho, during that conversation (as I remember) he told me that he had heard that I had a new guy, and that he got this information from you. I said that I was still with the same guy. We confirmed who this guy was and then I logged of to go do something else.

I'm not being bitchy for no reason, i'm not even being bitchy at all.

Assumptions are made when one does not know the truth.

Sleeping soundly, Jessica.

P.S- I spell checked the above for you, i don't even want to start with the grammar. Have you ever heard of complete sentences?

----------------------------

mmm, feisty.

2003-04-16T21:13:00.000-07:00

ok! iv'e got some new links up! whoo hoo. I still can't get that achive header to go above the archives though. poo.

2003-04-16T01:36:00.000-07:00

The Goddess Death: Dark, morbid, appropriately
represented by the color black and the element
water. Death is reserved, intellectual,
introspective. Rarely does she do anything
requiring a lot of energy or display of emotion
-- but when she does, anyone within a few
planes would do well to duck and cover.

Which Goddess Owns You?
brought to you by Quizilla

i find it funny that a goddess of death description would describe me so perfectly...is that a bad thing?
muahaha

ok, Spencer is officially in Michigan, or Massachusetts or some m state of some kind...

but what i came to talk about:
Kris. i talked with his last night, or the night before, or something, i can't even remember it's all a blur
anyways- his voice is grating at me- like a cross beetween mr. Rogers and my uncle who has smoked all his life and has AIDS.
gawd, i talked to him and had to get of telephone to convulse in utter disgust and then shower to clean myself.
i need to end this.
gah, for awhile iv'e been tip-toeing around the idea of it but now i'm sure that i'm sure

love comes so slowly and leaves so quickly with me...well, if you consider quickly over a year..ehem.
i guess that it will be what i need when it's just the opposite.

2003-04-13T00:03:00.000-07:00

ok...

what i meant before when i was whining about Yasmine wasn't that she was better than me
it was that she gets recognized more.
i mean...i'm good (not as good as some people) but i resent that somebody would assume i was worse than somebody elses art before even seeing it!
i mean, what the hell?

yeesh.a few minutes ago, I was thrown out of my brothers room. he has two friends over (girls) and i'm pretty sure that both of their parents think that they're coming to see me, not my brother Spencer. Although i get along with them i know they are really here to see my brother and that pisses me off-alot.
anyhow, i was kicked out for "unknown reasons" but after a few moments without my music on i found out they were watching a porn or somethin like that.
(no they wern't having sex or anythin-just watching it-ya sicko)

i'm not saying that "oh nooo" i'm just tired of being the girl who will break if you jostle her even a little bit.

2003-04-12T04:26:00.000-07:00

anyhow...

ooo, sorry for my lack of posty-ness.

la de da, spring break at last. now i shall get busy doing...schoolwork?
gah, my english teacher assigned us a "biography" on and egyption god that we picked out of a hat randomly (well, it really was just a folder)
I got Ra-does that mean that i'm special? ha.
also, we have a mystery due a week after the break, meaning we should start it during. i'm going to try to add some wild animal killers in there. muahaha.

and for history? i've set out to make a life size terra cotta soldier(china, Han dynasty i think) for my big project thing, plus some smaller art stuff.
but it's definatly not going to be made of terra cotta. that would be really expensive. plus, i don't have anywhere to fire life-size terra cotta men.

man, i'm screwed.

i got a new haircut, partly inpired by this (Tak):

(ooo, i so want to base a layout on that pic...)

no, my hair doesn't look like that, it was was just inspired by it. short in the back, long in the front.
"a cute exaggerated bob" as the hairdresser would say.

i've never really liked going to hair-people(hehe, hair people, a new monster movie perhaps?) I probably don't like going because i can't really respect anyone who's life goal was to go to a place everyday that intoxicates you with the smell of hair spray and cleansers, just to cut other peoples hair.
where's the meaning?
huh? really!

i do like my cut though, it's been weird getting used to my silloutte though because iv'e always had long hair. it's just unusual to me.
(might put pics up later if i get the camera thing figured-damn i'm lazy)
ahem.

My brother's going off soon to meet with a girl he met online a while ago...in michigan, since it's spring break i guess.
yeesh, what I wouldn't give for that kind of option.

speaking of kris...
*sigh*
oh i don't know...

2003-04-07T22:11:00.000-07:00

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Very High
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

hmm, maybe i'm Schizotypal-it describes me well.
hehe, just call me crazzzay!

2003-04-07T15:47:00.000-07:00

often i think things are odd.
for example-me.
but nothing is more odd to me than a bright pink, twist cap pen with "Picayune Funeral Home" written on the side in weird writing that i found in the bottom of my junk drawer. I don't even know if i've ever been to Picayune Funeral Home, i certainly don't remember it...and why are their pens bright, neon, pink? awnser me!!!!
plus it has one of those weird caps where it looks like a pen cap but it really isn't and you have to twist the cap to get the pen...thing...out. gah, it's a wonder of perfect oddness.

for more smelly news
apparently, when we took the groceries in last, we forgot to bring in a single milk container in from the trunk of the car. The container leaked all over the trunk leaving the entire car to smell like sour milk...yum (note the sarcastic-ness) we're ganna have to take the something out of the something to get all the smelly smell stuff out.

last night
i came home with my mom from school and got into an arguement over my homeword and i eventually ended up ansking her for help. This caused her to go off into tangents about my assignment that didn't even matter and we didn't even get close to done untill around 7 o'clock. She wanted to go down to the mall because she had to get a gift for her friend. So we went all the way there in the smelly car and it was all closed, we ended up going to borders books and bought some stuff there.
I also ended up getting a book called The Lovely Bones. i don't know i'll see if it's good when i read it, but first iv'e got to read Death on the Nile for school.

later days.

2003-04-02T15:30:00.000-08:00

Anyhow...

this whole day has been mostly bad. i'm all grumbly in my livid-like pissyness. yay.
let me start you off:

i had no pants to wear today except a pair of non-breathable-pleather 'melt in the sun onto your legs' pants
gah, evil pants.

Iv'e fallen behind in homework and the like.i was lucky that a girl in class couldn't get her powerpoint loaded onto her CD during class because otherwise i wouldn't have gotten to finish my powerpoint and turn it in next week.

ack, make-up history test tomorrow.

I had a pretty disturbing dream a couple nights ago in which I got kidnapped and this guy was cutting me across my hands with a knife.
i take it as me feeling like i have no control over my art and my life.

more interesting issues later...

2003-03-28T16:30:00.000-08:00

Z?

| listening to | Ani DiFranco | Hour Follows Hour |

hello the apparently nobody that reads this.well, some do...it's just,not many. blah my correct-ness.

anyhow, iv'e slept all day. And i can't remember my one dream that ran throughout the entire thing.
all i can remember is that at the end i was sitting in a room with three chairs which were occupied by 2 guys and me.
apparently i was nervous/afraid of water (an irkan quality) and the first guy (who could have possibly been zim) was talking to me about washing his clitoris with fresh water and how fresh water was fine. And i was just sitting there being a bit disgusted.

This differs from the rest of the dream because all i can remember about that was a great adventure and...stuff.
damn doorbell.

2003-03-26T08:09:00.000-08:00

boring...

| listening to| school room quiet...sort of |

hey, it's school time and i'm supposed to be working on my powerpoint for science.
oh well, the teacher walked out of the room a while ago and just didn't come back. she does that sometimes and i wonder if she got lost or if she's just avoiding her classes. But i doubt that she got lost because this school has about five classrooms.

blarg, nobody has left comments, that makes me sad. oh well again.

anyhow, nothing much has happened this morning except that I look good. that's a yay.
i should really read the instructions for my digital camera, and not just to take stupid pictures of myself.

2003-03-24T01:24:00.000-08:00

comment!

yay, i found a comment place that will work, i'll fiddle with it later.
untill then, leave a comment.

2003-03-24T00:09:00.000-08:00

And then it left...

i feel like twitching or running around screaming or drawing a huge red line on my face...or somthing.

i'd just like to say...what the hell? why can't i do anything lately?
iv'e stopped writing, i can't draw, i can't do work, and the whole sanity thing has been pretty hard lately too.

i'm ganna do...somthing... now...i just don't know what.
maybe i'll read somthing by someone that can write
then look at somthing by someone that can draw
then think about the things i should be doing
and try to keep my sanity that has been leaving me so quickly

let there be blarg.

2003-03-23T16:57:00.000-08:00

just a lil something

| listening to | Matchbox 20: Unwell |

Neutral:
Harmony and balance is key. You don't look at the
world in a negative or positive way and you'll
never judge or assume a situation- you just
look at the facts. People like you are peaceful
and accepting.

What color do you see the world in?
brought to you by Quizilla

interesting...

2003-03-23T00:37:00.000-08:00

...

I have finished the book, and now I am in a stupor of reading still. But it was unlike any other book, because i took too much from it. Instead of going of to a different place i stayed in the living room chair sizing myself up to this woman who went insane. And i wonder if that could happen to me, or rather, when.

2003-03-21T17:14:00.000-08:00

Does anybody know how to set up a simple comment system?

| listening to | white noise, and key typing |

I'd like to lead a life that's not mainstream. But yet here i am, but maybe i'm not. maybe i'm just here temporarily untill i can move on.
you can put the round peg in the square hole, but it won't ever truly fit.

i can only hope for the best and wait for the worst.

I ordered "The Bell Jar" by Sylvia Plath a couple days ago and got it today. so far it's great...we'll see how it turns out though.
I got it for a book report i have to do. I'm really growing to hate that english teacher because she assumed everyone in the class had been reading a book at the time she assigned it. Sure i was reading somthing, but it was mostly nifty informational books about odd things and comics by odd people.

I believe that I also got my grades in the mail today, but since they're probably all d's and f's i didn't feel like opening it. who would?

I await summer like...well, the child i really am. I need a break and none of this spring break crap that awaits me.
But then again i'm awaiting my past. Memories of things lost that i'm trying to recreate in my mind. Home made ice-cream and relatives hanging around the back yard sipping lemonade and comlaining of how hot it is. Memories of swimming in our above-ground, shallow pool that has now clouded over so much like me. In it's waters breeding tiny bugs that hang about my head when i walk outside.

We probably won't be here next summer, we'll be in an apartment somewhere tired of the heat and using community swimming pools that smell of urine and bleach.

maybe i'll write a best-selling book and take a vacation and live like we should. Or like we shouldn't. But i probably won't write a best-selling book. It will be next summer, and i will be laying around the apartment in risque new undergarments and large overshirts, thinking about lost love, and ideas for a publication that will never be public.

If any of you has noticed that i'm writing more, congratulations-you are observant. ha. Maybe i'm writing more because i have more to say, or maybe it's because i'd like to waste more of your time, whomever you are. Does anybody read this regullarly? If you do, it would be nice to know that you do so. Leave a remark in the guestbook or e-mail me or such.

mom has asked me to clean my room, put out the clothes in the washer and clean out my bathroom of junk.

I'm bored yet i have so much to do- and so little time to do it in.

more later...for now i'm going to get somthing to eat and read some more.

2003-03-21T04:28:00.000-08:00

well- this will probably be odd ramblings since it's about 4 in the morning and i have yet to sleep...

i went to the dentist today, he told me to wear my retainer all the time, damn it, this shuipid thing gives me a lithp. ha, and who was cruel enough to put the letter s in lisp?!
evil i say!evil.
any how, while there i had a small conversation with my mother about the receptionists/appointment maker's mouse pad that had a nifty lil' wrist rest thingie.
in beetween all of thing i made several remarks about the black ring around the colored part of my eye, my mom's is blue and the dentist barely had one at all.
hmmm....
kristopher, i don't know what the hell to say about him right now. I told him that he could call me this weekend.
he's been acting weird lately, and i hope that it's nothing big (i'm typing moderately fast!) even though i'm not sure about him right now, i still love him. He's part of me-i guess. anyhow...
I talked to him yesterday via IM and in the middle of it he left saying he had to make a call. At 3AM? oh come on, i'm not that stupid, ami i?

blahblahblah, blargblargblarg

oh yes, tonight while searching images for the word blarg i found alot of stuff. The online comic Fallen being one of them. i might add a link later--i might not. Go find it youself ya lazy ol' coot. But i guess that makes me lazy to. oh well, i am lazy, and i'm not afraid to admit it.

"hello, i'm jessica, and i'm...*breaks down* i can't say it! no, i won't! *sniffles* ..lazy" hehehe.

since my new sketchpad i got yesterday iv'e sketched a few weird things tonight. mostly faces of some people who's images i made up, or took from other people.
grrrr *blinks*

i got new underwear from k-mart, yay k-mart! (victorias secret stuff falls apart really fast and is sucky)
i got: one a' those underwear packagey thingies, one with a winking smiley on the back,one comfy grey pair, and one a' those lil' lacy thingies that look like tiny shorts and make the bottom of your buns fall out.

hehe-underwear.

this has been a blarg, thank you and good..morning.

2003-03-19T20:29:00.000-08:00

All's Fair In Love And War?

| listening to | Ani DiFranco: Glass House |

well, yesterday kris decided to send me an e-mail (yay) but it was about how he was all sad and stuff (boo)

Today was kris's birthday, i sent him a lame ryhming e-mail...but I was thoughtful about it and tried to cheer him up.
Today a war started, i just hope that because of this kris doesn't think that he's a war zone.
I don't understand the concept behind war, and why it's needed-because it's not.

on a lighter note: I got my new canvas! Yay! plus some new paint and a small brush for detail work.

ho hum homework

2003-03-17T22:46:00.000-08:00

I'm Going To Write Titles From Now On

| listening to | Atticoflove: uncomplicated |

as i was saying earlier....

i've been in odd sorts lately.
"odd sorts" is a phrase i picked up from kris, i like it.
kris has been gone except for a few short messages on my yahoo away messages.

i'm getting way to bogged up with everything that would normally come easy...well...no, it wouldn't normally come easy, i just put up with it more before.
i dont know what my deal with math is, i guess that i was a good guesser (why did i put those in itallics?)on the test because i didn't know hardly any of the awnsers and i'm still in algebra instead of being knocked back to pre-algebra to learn more stuff i allready know.

Gawd, i'd be doing alot better with our original math teacher.
And the new teacher bugs me...grr...she can't understand me (although i hear she is very good at math) plus she gets me (jessica a. taylor: pale with long, blonde hair and average build) mixed up with (jessica n. taylor: black with short, black hair and heavy build) grrr. and she said she was going to call me by my middle name now(which i don't mind) but then she called me jessica again.....grrrr.....am i making any sense at all?

and this whole art contest thing has me worried. i will be peeved if yasmine wins, that would suck monkey butt. I'm getting a new canvas on wednesday, hopefully i'll be able to paint this idea i had.

Nicole said that she could probably come over on friday to get my new-fangled web site thingie magigger set up. (the sad thing it that i actually talk like that sometimes)yay, this will be fun , or hideously painfull...

on her site she linked me axcept it wasn't me, she put blogpot instead of spot and it turned out to be some wacko Jesus website.

like i said... Odd sorts.

2003-03-16T20:35:00.000-08:00

crap, i wrote out a nice long post and then it didn't work.
i don't feel like doing this again now.

2003-03-15T01:00:00.000-08:00

"feed the cat Jessica." she says
and i do
I walk passed the mirror in the kitchen
then take a second look,

it's someone different, someone new

search for cat food lid
- no avail
seran wrap will do.

walk into my room
soft music playing
i'm not calm, i'm crazy.

2003-03-08T22:27:00.000-08:00

one word to describe today: fuck!

i got the instructions for the thing i need to do, but yet, procrastination struck again by making me prolong the event as long as i possibly can. Nicole probably wont be able to come over tommorow because i havn't finished this fucking crap.

iv'e denounced my own artwork, it's all crap. It seems that when i really, really want something to be, it just doesn't happen. and iv'e wasted all that time. half of the time i don't even try long enough to get into it. But with art, iv'e loved it all my life.
a person a few days ago in school told me i wasn't as good as a different girl(at art). She's the one iv'e been secretly competing against this whole year, she's the one that people notice. they'll pick up somthing she's done for school and say "oh guess who did this" and everybody will awnser her name.
it just makes me want to beat the crap out of any work she's ever done.

what brought this whole issue up you say? The art show, theres going to be a competition at school. it's not just in my head anymore.

tonight i suggested to my brother that we should perform a neat song i had heard. he proceeded in telling me all the instuments in the song that it would suck without. and that we shouldn't, no, couldn't do it. "come back when you know how to play" he said (refering to the piano)

this drove me to go lay in my closet, cry and...

may i introduce *drumroll* a new form of self-mutilation! : biting! only leaves large red marks! swelling minimal!
no, i would never cut myself or anything like that, it's just, a way.
(red circle on side of left wrist, red line on knee)

i need to talk to kris. last time i felt like this, i read some of the stuff that he's sent me and i felt better. i don't think that it will work this time.
i want to be in his arms.

2003-03-08T03:27:00.000-08:00

today:
big project- not finished, cannot find the sheet that tells me what to do, e-mailed friend for instructions, no e-mail back, crap.
checked e-mail- 50 billion times (and you think i'm kidding!)
had conversation with guy- about sex, i don't masturbate, thank you.
12:30 am- mom came home, ran to couch, simulated sleep.
later- simulated waking up, made grilled tuna sandwich, talked with mother, watched x-files.
now- watching dog twitching in it's sleep, blogging.

kris has dissapeared again lately...it's not a long absense like before...yet.

i should start a comic book about my high school years.
this one girl named ariel did. I guess arielle can do it too.
and some extra cash would help.

this post has been devoid of capital letters...for your safety.

2003-03-06T15:04:00.000-08:00

actual conversation:

Laurel: the nails on my middle fingers fell off... (fakes)
Me: Over-use?
The whole class: that's sick...
(teacher walks in room-silence)
(teacher walks out of room)
Me: i meant flipping people off, not the other thing
Laurel: I only do that like...once a year, i don't do it alot.
Me: alot?
Laurel: I meant flipping people off--not that!
Everyone: * extreme laughter*
(teacher walks back in)
Teacher: what? did somebody burp or something?
*more laughter*

hahahaha.....

2003-03-04T15:42:00.000-08:00

I had a surreal experience this morning as my mother drove me to school.
Listening to soft guitar and piano as i set my glasses on my face and the blue sky turned to pink.
The world as i know it showed me a different side to itself.
Looking through rose colored glasses.

2003-02-27T15:32:00.000-08:00

"Mister Rogers" dies at 74
somehow this news has hit me harder than any other news. terrorists, space shuttle? who cares, Mr. Rogers is dead.
he was the coolest guy in the world. i mean, he changed clothes in the middle of the show! coolest guy...

it's with this that iv'e finally lost the grips on what was my childhood.

"welcome to the neighborhood"

poem:

Iv'e been outside
but iv'e never seen the sun
Iv'e murdered myself
but iv'e never held a gun

And sometimes I think
if it all didn't matter
we'd all live better, faster
no more clutter in a mind,
already on overload.
there would be no difference
between the slave and the master

for this life is the master
and we are the slaves
showing what we have to offer
and digging our own graves.
or perhaps,
left to float seaward upon the waves.

and what's to say
that we're at the top
and they're at the bottom.
pull on the throttle
dig in deep
to see what you have yet to see
and be more than you think you can be

what's happening here and now matters
but it will all change
something new out of the woodwork
leaving new frays and tatters

mark your name in the wood
you're welcome in the neighborhood.

2003-02-24T14:44:00.000-08:00

[ fillerbunny ] a jhonen vasquez log crew

well, over there at fillerbunny, we got a new member who's playing zim,and he's loud and obnoxious (ooo, don't hate me if you read this1 eep!)
anywho- the quote "you're stupider than i ever imagined" will definitely come into play.

muahaha.
ok, update: so that was a little hypocritical. but I do know the basics. It's not like i'm a bumbling idiot about comps. or anything like that

why does nobody love the Samsa?

2003-02-20T22:44:00.000-08:00

my mind is like vanilla ice-cream. off-white with dark spots that show my true flavor.

i melt easily but am stern with a biting cold

and the taste is sweet but zings at the back of the tongue.

sitting and contemplating my ice-cream.

2003-02-18T02:16:00.000-08:00

i had a nice talk with kris tonight...he makes me all happy fuzzy. i shall call this fuppy.
he wants to call me, i don't know.
i'm taking opinions! click the little contact link up there and e-mail me.
tell me! should he call? ahhh

I like Gary Jules' music. its nice. you should download it...or buy it or...something. or not, whatever flips your hammock.hehe

whoo sleep deprevation!

2003-02-14T22:56:00.000-08:00

aaron is a neat-o guy, he wears spikes and shit. Once he said that he was a ghetto goth cowboy or somethin like that, I think he's punk though.
aaron is, on the outside a rough guy, but inside he's mushy. like a potato.

blarg blarg blarg, the end.

2003-02-14T16:44:00.000-08:00

Test Results

You think of yourself as being secretive, serene, relaxing, and well matching.

Others think of you as being sly, sneaky, friendly, and painfull.

Your relationships can be described as fast-moving, running, beautifull, and deadly.

When stressed, you feel confused.

Take this test here.
above: adjectives that I like!

I remember that on my fist date I ever went on (while in the car) his parents made me take a test exactly like this one.
it was an awquard and confusing moment.
It was like this because I never had really thought about why i liked things.
I ended up saying things like: i like lakes because they're...deep and um...watery.

2003-02-10T16:56:00.000-08:00

and then my mind said:
"you don't have enough stuff to worry about! lets add on somthing else!"

And here comes the new worry walking casually back into my life.
I was going to school when we passed by him as he was walking to HIS school.
He was a guy i knew in junior high that passed me notes during math (hmm, maybe that's why i got that grade), and once told me that "i would'nt understand".
Now all I wan't to do is ask him what he meant by that.

hey mind, whatever happened to kris?

do i really want to become one of those girls that flits from crush to crush? i hope i'm not heading there. If I ever become like that, stick a tack in my forehead, that should remind me.

2003-02-08T05:16:00.000-08:00

well, today I have added another fan listing, plus a lil' counter thing. all the people on it will probably be me, so maybe i'll have fun and see how many times I visit my own blog.

i'm such a dork.

2003-02-06T18:31:00.000-08:00

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

neat!

2003-02-05T22:12:00.000-08:00

oh, where oh, where has my archive gone?
oh where, oh where could it be?
i had one or two months, maybe three.
oh, where oh, where could it be?

sign my guestbook, or i'll...um...ask you more.

2003-02-05T22:09:00.000-08:00

Just when you think things are at their worst, they get better...or do they get worse?

kris is back, i missed him alot, but now he's back so it'll be ok again.

one of the teachers at our school got fired (one of the best) i swear, this school is going down the tubes.
the kids are going to all dissapear slowly, to the other schools in town.
why can't I just leave the town alltogether.
I wonder how i'm going to get the illustrations(that i'm doing for his stories) to the teacher, i wonder if his son is going to stay at the school.

Thanks to Nicole for offering a talk after I had my lil' breakdown thing.
note to nicole: I can't get your log to work on my compooper.
also to Nav for talking with me about nothing in particular.
wow, I feel like i'm accepting an award.

2003-02-04T00:00:00.000-08:00

yesterday i had a mental breakdown and I was well deserving of it.
I ended up staying home.

moms on late shift, brothers on drugs, i'm on my way out.
have an article done for my zine.

poem:

Silently, I do quandar
But my time here grows longer

longer than that the days I will uphold
silently I sat here weeping
retreating from which I cannot say

when I’m done with my days and ways
will I still want to stay?
want to keep from playing this endless game
for which there is no end?

dipping my tea into my wine
I remember of another time
-a time when things weren’t so uncertain
yes now! Yes now, I draw the curtain!
on the affairs past and present,
which up to this day have kept me present
away from the afternoons
filled with mournful tears and coffee spoons.

a life forgotten, a new life made
that is this upon this day.

----- I was in a pre-this-century mood
another time, another place, just as long as I get away.

In the process of reading this book the third time
i found some new music
and drew a rabbid rabbit on my right thigh.

lost a friend, gained a friend.
i don't really like either.

columbia "disaster". millions of people die each day, why is this so different? it isn't. Stop acting like it is.

goodnight. Z? (fitting eh?)

2003-02-03T00:13:00.000-08:00

I miss him.

2003-01-31T16:21:00.000-08:00

Hey, news!:

1. I have joined a neat-o little group of people who like Jhonen Vasques' work as much as I do...mmm sugar(???)
They are linked right under Google in the left-hand column, yay.

2. I'm starting a Zine (independant magazine thing) called In My Definition. It will be mostly strange articles about various insane things and boring articles about me(hey, i'm not boring! wait, am i?)

2003-01-27T08:57:00.000-08:00

blarg blarg blarg blarg blarg

after school today i'm goin to the library, i found a cool book (whoo my life is just facinatin'!)
haha

2003-01-25T21:35:00.000-08:00

A couple nights ago, i was with mom in the car driving home, and somebody came around the bend with their brights on, and didn't turn 'em down. My mom turn her lights on full blast- i laughed so loud, it was funny seeing a motherly figure doing somthing so un-motherly. She kept asking me, what's so funny? hilarious.

mom's thing with mike is definitely over, she came in and (much to my dismay) talked with me about it (which i din't really need to know) but, she wanted to talk so I listened.

I'm going to start sewing. I hope I have my outfit done by the 14th(the dance) I'm not really going with anyone. I wouldn't want to what whith loving kris and the guys at school all being total idiots. I just want to go through the croud looking great, swaying to my own music(headphones are so wonderfull), taking pictures for yearbook, and generally being in my own little world.

2003-01-21T22:07:00.000-08:00

* Which Tragic Shakespearean Heroin are You? *
brought to you by Quizilla

Macbeth's: Lady Macbeth - Macbeth's wife, a deeply ambitious woman who lusts for power and position. Early in the play she seems to be the stronger and more ruthless of the two, as she urges her husband to kill Duncan and seize the crown. After the bloodshed begins, however, Lady Macbeth falls victim to guilt and madness to an even greater degree than her husband. Her conscience affects her to such an extent that she eventually commits suicide. Interestingly, she and Macbeth are presented as being deeply in love, and many of Lady Macbeth's speeches imply that her influence over her husband is primarily sexual. Their joint alienation from the world, occasioned by their partnership in crime, seems to strengthen the attachment that they feel to one another.

2003-01-21T14:16:00.000-08:00

Today at school i had two big projects due, one for science and one for history. I am an extreme procrastinator so yesterday i knew I only had time to do one. I ended up doing the one for science and winging the other one because the science one is in written form. I believe i did moderately well on both projects.

still no word from Kris-i hope i hear from him by this weekend, i'm not sure how long mail takes to get to the east coast.
(and back no less!)

I have given the address to this log to two people from school, I just hope the second person I gave the address to doesn't show it to anyone else( and that means you Aaron!) I trust the other person.

2003-01-17T22:43:00.000-08:00

I havn't talked to kristopher for about a month now. at the same time i'm mad at him, i'm extremely worried of what might have happened to him.
I know it's probably just his computer, but i'm still really worried about him.

so worried, in fact, that iv'e sent him a letter (with my return address on it) on the fourteenth.
it makes me think of all the stories iv'e read about girls who met people online and then later got raped by guys they met. But Kris isn't like that.
(but then, most of those girls probably didn't realize their peril untill they were yelling 'stop' on a bedroom floor)

On the other hand,i dream of him showing up at my front door.

the other day, a person at school, Laurel, said "going out with a twenty-five year old would be so wrong..." (I don't remember what we were talking about) But I do remember what i wanted to respond. i wanted to say "maybe, but i'm in love with a twenty-two year old."

I wonder if he's gotten my letter yet...

2003-01-15T18:02:00.000-08:00

i walk outside, the wind is whipping the trees to and fro, the light almost gone behind the hills.
I walk to the top of the stairs that lead down to the garden. The air rushes up behind me acting as if it wants to force me down the stairs.
i sign a pentagram on my chest.
my hair whips in front of my face and i let it. not brushing it aside I look up into the dark night sky and spot a star.
i wish. i wish that somthing big would happen in my life...somthing that would change it dramatically.
my head raises up, and i kiss the sky.

2003-01-10T19:36:00.000-08:00

i have a increasingly downward view on society, but i don't hate everybody just yet.

you know what i hate? i hate the courtesy smile. ya know, the smile that everyone gives you when you accidently attain aye contact and you didn't mean to.
that little "oh you were looking at me and that creeps me out a little so i'm just ganna give you this little smile to let ya know i'm not a horrible person and move on, because i don't want to be around you" smile. whoa, isnt that alot to say with one little smile?

well, my brother smoked pot, confirmed that today. what a fucking idiot my brother is. fucking fucking idiot to mess himself up like that. I probably shouldn't beat myself up over it, i don't think ther's anything i can do.

me and mom went to blockbuster video (spencer(my brother) is sick...i wonder why) we got three movies. Nightmare before christmas...ooo yummy, windtalkers(i'm not a war movie person so i don't think i'll watch it), and the crocodile hunter movie (it'll probably be funny, but stupid...oh well)

well, i am now officially declared goth. At school one of my teachers asked infront of my class if i was and i said yes, so I consider myself now in the gothic community.

i need some lipstick...damn it, haha. And a sword, a big fricken sword.

my mother is an idiot in her decision to invite mike(her boyfriend that she unofficially broke up with) back to the house. She spent all this time talking to me about him being an idiot and then invites him back because she's lonely. even though 3 guys have asked her out since! It's a sad,sad world when my mom gets more date offers than I do.

2003-01-04T03:35:00.000-08:00

ooo, well, yesterday i added some nifty new links and today I added some more!

I would love it if you people would sign my guestbook, please do so, please!

but stuff !!!!! Its Neat-o!!!! It really is!

please...?

2003-01-03T20:02:00.000-08:00

well, the lip balm thing went ok, my cheeks and forehead are smooth and soft, plus my lips arn't chapped up anymore.
i need to wipe of my face, it's still a bit oily from the incident.

today around 11:00 i put my sleeping bag down at the end of my bed and went to sleep till 5:00.
i hadn't slept last night so it was a nice treat (even though i meant to only sleep till 12:00)
[a sleeping bag at the end of my bed-on the floor. The kitty was on my bed lookin all cutey and sleepy so I figured i'd leave her alone]

here i would like to express my love for the wonderful brain meats of Jhonen Vasquez.
corruption, intelect, and humor all rolled into a big, spikey, fluff ball of doom.
oooo, how i want you brain...erm, yeah!
*rabid fangirl squeek*

2003-01-03T09:53:00.000-08:00

i just smeared medical lip balm all over my face in the hopes it might do somthing.
If it does...that'd be nice. Right now i'm just enjoying the tingly feeling of dissenfectant.

2003-01-01T03:57:00.000-08:00

well, i posted the below and i got people saying...stuff like:"oh i can read peoples minds, you shouldn't want to do that shit" oh well.

oh by the way, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and all that....grrrr. New Years makes me so nervous. It makes me think of all the things i could of done last year but didn't and all the things i should do this year.

I went to laurel's (school friend) birthday party yesterday,it was ok, we went to a beauty college where people experiement on you. I hate my hair all curly. then we went and saw lord of the rings which iv'e allready seen. ho hum, i was hoping i would be able to get a phone card so i could call Kris.(but we didn't go where i thought we were going to go)

speaking of kris: i love him just as much as ever but i havn't seen him forever! At first I thought that he was off on holiday, but I talked to a girl in his band and she said he was at home. ooooo that makes me mad, where are ya Kristopher?

2002-12-23T22:00:00.000-08:00

all my life iv'e wanted somthing unusal to happen to me, somthing magickal.
when I was a little girl, all dressed in pink, I would throws coins into fountains asking for
a unicorn or a pegasus, and being so carefull in my wishing knowing how those things could turn out.
later I just wished for something, anything.

our imaginations go beyond what we can achieve, reality isn't nearly as capable as the mind.
I wish I could visualize things in my mind well-extremely well...but it allways ends up looking like a skattered
TV screen in my mind.

to read other people's minds-wow, that would be a talent to have. I wouldnt want it all the time though,
to know peoples thoughts 24/7 would be overwhelming. there'd have to be some way to turn off the power
and turn it on again. Imagine what one could learn about mankind.

but, dreams aside, I fear a normal life.

2002-12-20T06:47:00.000-08:00

well, it's the day of the plow races...dun dun dun!...it's raining.
even though it's raining we're still going outside and trudging through the mud.
Also, after we plow- we have to plant wheat, damnit, i have to go to the mall
after school today for christmas presents. I'm ganna look like the mud monster..guy...thingie.

2002-12-19T06:33:00.000-08:00

hello people. Well, the most crappy thing possible happened to me this morning. I forgot my backpack.
how shitty it that huh? Plus I have a big test and three sheets to turn in...
it's ganna be a long day.

2002-12-17T22:06:00.000-08:00

i'd better go to sleep, kris hasnt shown up...goodnight, may the eyeballs be with you!

2002-12-17T22:04:00.000-08:00

howdy! i'm waiting for Kris to come online, during this waiting I am listening to my now slightly long but neat-o playlist consisting of:

-Invader Zim related stuff...ooo

-Nightmare before Chistmas related stuff...yummy

-Yale Alley Cats: Love potion # 9 + The Drifters Medly(under the boardwalk+up on the roof)
they're a neat accopello(sp?) group...refreshing

-Third Eye Blind: Nine days...eh...yeah

-Blink 182: Aliens Exist...yay

-The Flaming Lips: fight test + Yoshimi Battles The pink robots...both great songs

-Joan Jet: My Bad reputation...hehe

-Electrasy:Cosmic castaway...not very comprehensable

-Saviour Machine: Ludicrous Smiles + Child in Silence...i love "Child in Silence"
very yum.

well that's it...erm, yeah..is anybody actually reading this? if you are, send me a line!

I spent my time after school painting the plow bright blue...yeah, bright blue.
anyhow, were going to have to pull it ourselves
Yay..were ganna be cattle!...crap.

2002-12-17T15:39:00.000-08:00

Im currently at school waiting for my mom to pick me up. I'm hungry, oh well. Over the past few days i sent Kris a few e-mails, one containing the song below and the other two containing pictures from Thanksgiving and my dads birthday. he said he liked my song, but I know that if he askes if he can do something with it (ie-write some music) that it's really good.He didn't this time.

The people here annoy me, they dont even have the decency to use headphones for their music. Again-oh well.

For school we're building plows...yeah, plows. We have to make them of wood and on Friday we have to drag them through the dirt. it'll probably mud since its been raining-at least that'll be easier...but dirtier...

Iv'e been looking for a cool Jhonen Vasquez background for my school computer account, it's hard finding a neat-o one because it can't have violence and I don't want it to get all stretched out. Arg...i mean...YaY!(does that second Y look bigger too you? my eyes are messed up)

I really have no reason to have this Blog...but who knows, maybe somthing interesting will happen.

2002-12-15T00:57:00.000-08:00

Do You Know The Feeling?: a song.
---------------------------------------

There's this feeling I have
in the pit of my stomach
it starts and grows tighter every day
it holds tight to me
till all I can see
is what which i am holding on too

somehow . Iv'e got this feeling
it haunts me untill my demise
and all this pain,
pain and confusion
isn't even . reflected in my eyes

like an unbroken heart
an unspoken tear
nonexistent but yet still there
it calls out to me
asking me to see
what is not yet there

somewhere it's hidden in the dark
that thing i cannot yet see
and all through it's life
it calls out in strife
because it cannot yet be

a dream in my heart
a fear that i have
that everything will all fall apart

away from it's seams
away from my dreams
drowning away from the light.

I'll put up a fight with all of my might
till the voices come and take me away

till the voices come and take me away

till the voices come and take me away.

2002-12-14T02:35:00.000-08:00

well, this is my first post.

i guess i'll have to give you some background on me. I'm a 14 year old girl living in southern california.The small town i live in(near) has been turned into a virtual fast food strip mall. I think we have more than ten chains.
The town pretty much is main street.

The rest of the town consists of high-cost crappy housing developments, antique shops, and white trash houses. Yeah, theres a few decent people, as in anywhere, but they're hard to find.

The nice places in town are...uh.....the library-many a day you can find me in there asleep and drooling on a desk in the back(over a paranormal theories book) waiting to be picked up.It's a really small library and we were supposed to get a bigger one, but i don't think that's going to happen.

I don't live in town-i live in the "country estates" the nicer houses are there, but soon we'll probably move to a condo.

my family is running on empty. I love my mother and brother, and my dad, even though hes not here anymore. Our financial situation has pressed us, especially my mother. She works at a casino. she isn't paid much and doesnt like her job, but that's all we can do right now. She expects me and spencer to do everything that she can't handle anymore. She drinks when it gets to be too much, but shes not an alchoholic.I'm worried for her.

My brother is constantly in front of his computer, and no longer cares about much beyond himself, his reaction to the situation has been secluding himself.

and me, well, i get through it by writing, my art, and talking to kris. sometimes i'm the dull side of the knife-sometimes the sharp, my emotions fall up and down, but I would never kill myself.

kris...kris is a twenty-two year old i met online.I love him. (i know what you're thinking!) i know he's for real and not some perverted 50 year old or somthin, so relax.

i could give you some details on my friends, but they'll eventually show up anyhow, and i don't really want to take the time.

more later, Jess